Running a university as a business

I am often told that we have to run a university as a business. Here a few suggestions for how we might do that from some of the recent high points of capitalism.

Administrative Charges
Like the events business, different rates will be charged no matter the method by which students (now customers) receive their essays, be it electronically, picking up themselves or receiving them through the post.

Additional services that previously weren’t additional
Like an airline, charges can be made for additional elements of learning such as tutorials, feedback and politeness. There is a minimum tutorial fee and then additional fees for parts (such as ink) and labour (such as thinking).

Premium Rate Phone Lines
Rather than being able to contact lecturers direct, customer calls will now be directed to a premium rate phone line, then put on hold, then told the lecturer is unavailable and asked if they would like to speak to another lecturer who knows nothing about the subject.

Seating Choice
Like rail transport seats in lecture theatres are now booked in advance. If customers book a long time in advance they may get a discount. For unpopular lectures there may be a discount if they leave it to the last minute. Seats will now be in three classes: first, business and hell. These will vary in size, space, position and pain.

In-University Credit Cards
Like a successful store, customers will be constantly offered a loyalty and credit card that they can use to purchase services and food. It will charge Wonga-like rates of interest of several 1000 per cent so that the customers will become engaged in a cycle of debt and acquire information on customers that can later be sold to other businesses. This will mean that the Alumni department can now be closed, as customers will now belong to the university for life and we will not have to beg for money.

Check out fees
Like an energy provider, if a customer leaves a unit, course or university there will be a charge for changing their provider. We will hide this charge in the small print of our initial 44 page contract. Also, customers will be no better off with another provider, because we all charge the same.

Overdraft fees
Like a banker, academics working in modular systems are familiar with the concept of customer credits. Instead of just adding credits when a customer passes a module, we will now deduct credits for poor work. If a customer goes overdrawn they will be sent them a letter informing them that they are overdrawn and, because we have had to write them a letter, telling them that there will be a hefty penalty.

Degree Classification Protection
Like a good electronic goods provider, for an additional fee customers can protect their degree classification during their degrees. This will make no practical difference to their degree, but is a nice little earner. After graduation they can take out the extended degree warranty for ten or twenty years. As soon as the term of their warranty expires their degree certificate will mysteriously turn to dust.